As I’ve mentioned ad nauseum, hubs and I have a bunch of weddings this spring. On the one hand, I’m very excited because I love a good reason to dress up. (My office is super casual and hubs is a PhD student…doesn’t make for many opps to be fancy.) On the other hand, I’m already starting to feel a little sick about the emotions these weddings conjure in me.
First, I have a horrible confession. Each of these weddings makes me fear the newly betrothed couple will be knocked up before we are. Hubs and I have been together since we were 21 years old. What the heck took us this long? It’s like I’m watching my friends and family rocket through life while I feel like I’m treading water. Guilt and regret are horrible emotions and I’m working hard at keeping them at a simmer….I don’t need them boiling over.
I think the hardest will be the first wedding, which is hubs’s little bro’s, on April 10. I will fly there two days after my 31st birthday (are you kidding me?! April 7!). I will face questions from family members about our baby time-line, just like I did at the engagement party in October. I know these people will be asking in the nicest, most innocently curious way possible, but darnit, it’s still going to sting. Plus, two of hubs’s cousins have little kiddos, including babies. It’s going to be lots of cooing over the teenie ones and I’m going to have to bring my game face.
I feel like we kinda have a trump card—hubs being in grad school until June 2011—to play when we inevitably get asked, “So, when are you guys going to have a baby?” But, my MIL asked about our baby plans almost two years ago. I was blissfully naive and honestly told her I was dying to begin our family ASAP. Sooooo. Two years later. Although she has not brought it up again to hubs or me, I imagine she’s wondering what the hold up is. (Because we don’t live anywhere near hubs’s parents or my parents, we really only see our families over the holidays and during special celebrations, like this wedding. So I get to avoid these types of convos and questions 75% of the time.)
Today, hubs offered to fill in his Mom on our issues so I wouldn’t have to stumble into any awkward or emotional encounters about it. I’m still thinking that over. Honestly, she is a really nice, compassionate woman and I am less worried about her upsetting me than I am about a cousin or aunt or uncle or family friend grilling me. But a part of me kind of wants to let hubs have that outlet. I get to talk to you bloggies and my Mom about this IF stuff. He has no one to confide in. Then again, it slightly horrifies me to think of them knowing about us having trouble. I don’t need them to think I’m a perfect human being, but I hate to think of his parents feeling sad and upset that hubs married a broken woman who can’t give them grandchildren.
I half know what we’re getting into (injects, etc), but am not really allowing myself to fully feel/think about it…I’m in this weird foggy place where everything is dim and slightly surreal and if I’m not careful I will teeter over to the dark and terrified side. So I guess I’m trying to build some protection for myself without totally losing the happy, open, upbeat person I’ve always been. And I guess, for me, that means mentally and emotionally bracing myself for these six weddings. It’s going to be one heckuva Spring!