Wedding season confessions

As I’ve mentioned ad nauseum, hubs and I have a bunch of weddings this spring. On the one hand, I’m very excited because I love a good reason to dress up. (My office is super casual and hubs is a PhD student…doesn’t make for many opps to be fancy.) On the other hand, I’m already starting to feel a little sick about the emotions these weddings conjure in me.

First, I have a horrible confession. Each of these weddings makes me fear the newly betrothed couple will be knocked up before we are. Hubs and I have been together since we were 21 years old. What the heck took us this long? It’s like I’m watching my friends and family rocket through life while I feel like I’m treading water. Guilt and regret are horrible emotions and I’m working hard at keeping them at a simmer….I don’t need them boiling over.

I think the hardest will be the first wedding, which is hubs’s little bro’s, on April 10. I will fly there two days after my 31st birthday (are you kidding me?! April 7!). I will face questions from family members about our baby time-line, just like I did at the engagement party in October. I know these people will be asking in the nicest, most innocently curious way possible, but darnit, it’s still going to sting. Plus, two of hubs’s cousins have little kiddos, including babies. It’s going to be lots of cooing over the teenie ones and I’m going to have to bring my game face.

I feel like we kinda have a trump card—hubs being in grad school until June 2011—to play when we inevitably get asked, “So, when are you guys going to have a baby?” But, my MIL asked about our baby plans almost two years ago. I was blissfully naive and honestly told her I was dying to begin our family ASAP. Sooooo. Two years later. Although she has not brought it up again to hubs or me, I imagine she’s wondering what the hold up is. (Because we don’t live anywhere near hubs’s parents or my parents, we really only see our families over the holidays and during special celebrations, like this wedding. So I get to avoid these types of convos and questions 75% of the time.)

Today, hubs offered to fill in his Mom on our issues so I wouldn’t have to stumble into any awkward or emotional encounters about it. I’m still thinking that over. Honestly, she is a really nice, compassionate woman and I am less worried about her upsetting me than I am about a cousin or aunt or uncle or family friend grilling me. But a part of me kind of wants to let hubs have that outlet. I get to talk to you bloggies and my Mom about this IF stuff. He has no one to confide in. Then again, it slightly horrifies me to think of them knowing about us having trouble. I don’t need them to think I’m a perfect human being, but I hate to think of his parents feeling sad and upset that hubs married a broken woman who can’t give them grandchildren.

Sick, right?

I half know what we’re getting into (injects, etc), but am not really allowing myself to fully feel/think about it…I’m in this weird foggy place where everything is dim and slightly surreal and if I’m not careful I will teeter over to the dark and terrified side. So I guess I’m trying to build some protection for myself without totally losing the happy, open, upbeat person I’ve always been. And I guess, for me, that means mentally and emotionally bracing myself for these six weddings. It’s going to be one heckuva Spring!

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13 Comments

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13 responses to “Wedding season confessions

  1. You are not a broken woman. Period. It’s so interesting, as women with IF, how harshly we judge ourselves. My DH has high cholesterol and takes Lipitor– do I view him as broken in any way? Of course not. He has some trouble keeping his cholesterol under control on his own, I had trouble making a baby on my own. That’s all there is to it.

    Did I feel that way in my darkest moments? Of course not. Hindsight is always 20/20.

    I can’t tell you what to do about hubs and your MIL, but I can tell you what we did. We told. Anyone who asked why we didn’t have children yet, we told them. We said, “We’re trying but we’re having some trouble and we’re going through some testing/seeing a fertility specialist.” No one was put off by hearing this, people didn’t bug us about it again (Except to kindly ask how our tests/treatments were going) and I learned that so many people I know have stuggled with IF– people that I had no clue about. It really opened up the door for compassionate conversation with family and friends… and true empathy from the couples that had been through it.

    You do make a point about letting DH have an outlet– maybe it would be good for him, but only if you’re comfortable with it. It’s a very private matter. For me, I wanted to put it out there, because I didn’t want to have to feel ashamed. In my broken moments, I wanted to talk about it as if I was in control and knew that everything was going to be ok. Being vocal about how proactive we were being, was what made me feel the most confident.

  2. I hope you are able to keep your happy upbeat personality through all of this. I have the same worry about newlywed couples. I said the same thing. I thought about telling other family members, but I didn’t want it to get talked about and shared. If your hubby needs someone to talk too and she won’t spread it, why not. What is he in school for?

  3. I know exactly how you feel about secretly worrying that the newlyweds will be pregnant before you. It’s not that I don’t want them to get pregnant, it’s just such a sad reminder of my own failure to conceive. You’re doing all the right things, you’re in great hands with Dr. C and you WILL get pregnant. Of course the timing isn’t what we ever imagined, but it will happen.
    Try to enjoy this happy wedding season – you’ll be rockin’ your Milly dress and spending great time with family and friends. Come on out upbeat Egg…you’re still in there!

  4. JC

    I think I would be a bit scared to go to all those weddings and wonder how many times someone is going to ask about your baby-making timeline. I hope they leave you alone and stay on other topics. As far as telling your MIL, I’d probably leave it up to your DH, unless you feel strongly one way or another. I can tell you that my hubby doesn’t need an “outlet”. He doesn’t need to talk to anyone about it or let things out…it’s just different for guys. He’s told me that himself. We did tell his mom though, and his dad and step-mom. I’m sure if we hadn’t they would’ve asked us a million times about it anyways. I’ve broken down in front of all of them. Oh well. Hang in there Egg! ((hugs))

  5. Secret Sloper

    If you’re a broken egg (ha ha, I’m so funny) then so am I. I don’t feel this way about weddings, just because I generally expect the couple to take a little while before trying for babies. But my best friend from high school started trying in January, and I’ve been avoiding calling her up to get together because I’m terrified that she’s pregnant already and she’ll tell me at dinner or I’ll realize it when she doesn’t drink. I just don’t want to deal with that.

    I hate what loss and disappointment turns us into– recluses afraid of the shadow of a pregnant belly.

    Lawyer Guy told his mom about our frustrations last summer (and of course she knew about the miscarriage). I’m very close to her, so I don’t mind her knowing. Of course, she has zero filter, so she still asks us all the time if we “have something to tell her.” Sigh.

  6. hollytraveling

    I totally get the fear. My younger brother is set to start trying this summer and already I’m bracing myself for the fact that they’ll get pregnant before me.

    It is a scary step, making your troubles known. On one hand, you want to avoid the questions, on the other you don’t want to open up a whole different type of interrogation. I’ve actually started to let on myself, only b/c I’m finding it incredibly difficult to appear together and like myself at all times.

    And you’re not broken. Not by a long, long shot.

  7. I echo what Stef said. You are not broken. We women are so hard on ourselves. My husband is the reason that we can’t get pregnant and I’ve asked him many many times if it bothers him/his manhood blah blah blah. And, he says no, why would I feel bad about something I can’t control? And, that’s that. No remorse. No guilt. You can’t help that you’re not ovulating. There’s nothing you can do about it because you d@mn well would be! Repeat that to yourself every time you feel badly.

    My sister’s getting married in April and I’m surviving all the family events…in a very grumpy manner. Just lie lie and lie again. I’m telling people we don’t want to try for the 2nd until the 1st is 3 or 4 to buy us some time. People can be insensitive. I just try and tell myself that they have the best intentions.

  8. You’re not the only one who fears that those around you will get pregnant before you, believe me. It’s a crappy feeling, but I think it’s totally justified in the circumstances. At least you can have a drink in hand at the weddings, which will be a clear sign that family need not speculate about your current status. I hope you can find enjoyment from looking super hot all dressed up.

  9. My friend, don’t ever say that you are a broken woman. You are smart, beautiful and a very strong person. Many people would not be able to do it with what we are dealing and would just give it up. But not YOU! You are fighting and fighting for what you want and you will get pregnant soon!!! The injections are going to be awesome. About the weddings have fun have many glasses of wine, dance with the hubby and have a blast. Good luck tomorrow!!

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  11. You have every right for feeling the way you do! But you are not broken! You are just going through a rough patch in yours and Mr. Egg’s life! Good luck at the doc’s today!!! Sending you good results dust!!!

  12. You are hardly a broken woman and your MIL may have put two and two together already but just doesn’t want to pry. Both of our moms know and they are supportive and I know that once we do get our BFP they will celebrate that much more. I think it would be nice to clue her in – she might have some advice too she’s just waiting to be asked to give.

  13. Al

    I know what you mean, on my bad days I feel like DH’s family will look at us and think poor him, why did if have to marry an infertile who can’t give us any grand kids and can’t make him a father?

    Hang in there, girl, and good luck at the crazy amount of weddings and the oodles of family you’ll have to see. You can do it.

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