Deep breaths

I am back from a blissful, calming, lovely spa weekend with my Mom. I hiked, I ate healthfully, I lounged by the pool, I went to yoga classes and did all the other wonderful relax-y stuff you do when you’re not sitting in your cubicle, or your apartment, or your RE’s office. It was awesome and cathartic. My goal was to chillax and not think about IF for a few days and I mostly succeeded. I did not blog, I did not surf my fave blogs, I did not Tweet, I did not Google. But I did think about all of you; I couldn’t help it! And while I’m not a religious person, I was saying my own version of prayers for each of you, wherever you may be in this IF journey.

The coolest thing about the trip = the meditation classes I checked out. Meditation is pretty much the antithesis of me. I am constantly in motion….fidgeting, running around, always always always on to the next. I think it’s a manifestation of my worst quality: impatience. I was VERY uncomfortable during the meditation. You basically sit quietly and focus on your breath. The instructors were lovely and welcoming and assured me that whatever I felt or thought about was okay—I didn’t have to go “blank.” Good thing, because my mind would whir a million miles a minute, my heart would start pounding with the realization that I’d be sitting there doing nothing for an hour, and sometimes I would think I was on the verge of jumping up and leaving the room…I just couldn’t take the silence and stillness. Ummm, yeah, HELLO! Someone really NEEDS to meditate!

But, I am proud to say that I stuck it out and survived a few sessions (the guided ones went better for me). By the end of the weekend I found myself focusing on my breath whenever blah/scary/anxious/negative thoughts would show up. For example: I expected my period to arrive overnight on Sunday but on Monday morning it was nowhere to be found. Instead of panicking about how this might screw up my hopes of an injects cycle (I leave for a wedding in NYC—and a meet-up with SecretSloper!—on Thursday and need to get baseline monitored before that), I focused on breathing in deeply and exhaling. I did not freak out. I did not even mention to my Mom that I was running behind sked.

I know this sounds like a small thing, but for me it feels like progress. I was so encouraged that I even splurged on a meditation CD that I’m going to load onto my iTunes so I can keep the Zen going back home. I meant what I said in my post last week: I am working hard at not working hard this cycle. If you know what I mean. 🙂

Anyway, my period DID eventually show up yesterday. (It’s just as super-super-super faint as the Provera-induced period in March….I choose to believe that my body wants to hang onto what precious little lining I have for dear life!) Which means I go to baseline monitoring tomorrow. Hopefully I’m just a day away from getting off the bench. Deep. Breaths.